Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
boat question
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.