Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.