[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy