Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁