HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
You Might Also Like
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.