ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
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Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
How all things should be taught/explained.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not