My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My kitchen overserved me.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone