I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
You Might Also Like
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
my first dose meeting my second
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
All excellent questions
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot