2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Yes, but it was never about money
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.