Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.