One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My life in a nutshell