What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.