Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Me recordaron éste meme
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic