Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
You Might Also Like
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.