Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
blocked.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated