[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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Air pods looking like an angry frog
True
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
🤣
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
The best plant holders?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight