Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
You Might Also Like
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work