Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
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I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
#MeanwhileinCanada
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.