(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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I get distracted pretty eas
😩😩😩
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.