ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I’m being attacked 😭
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
This classic never gets old . . .
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
can’t talk my ride’s here
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes