When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.