First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Cinematography is my passion
Comparing yourself to others
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.