When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
My favorite female superhero
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
pep talk
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza