Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
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each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
ready to be harvested
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.