Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
You Might Also Like
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Meeeee too!
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!