ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
O Wise One….
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
early stone age tool
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*