When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig