My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.