I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
just got my engagement photos
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Actually cracking up @ this
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today