911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I forgot how to panic. Help
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.