Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*jazz hands*
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants