Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee