I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when