[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
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Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
thanks auntie mary
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I’m just playing devils avocado here