When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.