Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?