Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Oops I deleted….
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”