If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.