Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
This is not me but this is me
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
same energy
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!