Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it