tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Love it! 👍😂
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit