I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
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[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
That’s classic.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now