**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.