My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
No regrets in 2018
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Breaking news:
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.