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It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
live, laugh, laundry.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone