Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
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Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.