[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
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SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.