I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?