Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass