I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of